Long time no tumblr, although that is mostly because I’ve been at home for the past 3 months and I have the world worse internet at home. So I’ve not been able to keep to with this here, it just takes to long to load images, it’s almost painful to try and scroll downwards and post things, so I’m having to remain away.
But I am posting tonight, I feel the need to rant or ramble or whatever this really is because I feel sad…and lonely and got very happy. It’s been a slow process from moving back home, after having such a great year or being settled and happy in my house at uni, having a group of friends that did stuff on weekends and people I spoke to every day. I didn’t even need to really leave the house to be social, it was nice, I was happy, there was a safeness in the routine.
Now I’m back home, I don’t really have any friends here, when you’ve moved away for 3 years to a completely different area (country even…I know it was Wales but it counts! Hah) friends from home have moved on and I don’t blame them. But it’s hard sitting in every day, watching via the many social media sites people getting on with their lives.
I feel so…stuck. Like I’ve gone backwards in time to the worse year of my life before uni, all I did was think constantly of a way out, trees were excellent places to tie nooses, cars where vehicles to end my sadness, alcohol and painkillers where nice friends that let me go back to sleep. I feel that mind set slowly and surely creeping up on me, laying in bed recently I’ve started thinking things I shouldn’t. I know this is because I’m lonely and I’ve only got my self for company all day while my dad and sibling work but it’s hard.
I’m scared to not have a job and not move forward with my life, but at the same time I’m utterly terrified of getting a “real” job, I don’t feel like I’m capable, like I have anything to offer, like I’ll be a big ball of useless anxiety, whole make stupid mistakes and be looked down on. Sometimes I apply and really hope that I don’t get a call back for an interview, there’s a safe routine that I’m stuck in with the job centre and it’s a dangerous place to stay in, on one hand I feel crap and stupid having to traipse down there and prove that I’m looking for a job, but then there the fear of getting a job. I don’t know. I feel like a job is my way out, to get out of this house, make friends and move on, I have to do it at some point.
I need friends, I need a close small group of people that I can count on for nights out and general fun and having people to be there. There’s so much that I want to do, I want to live for once, I know I’ve wasted so many years before and during uni when I was just laying in bed wanting to not exist and I’ve come so far from that. But what if moving out and getting a job doesn’t make it happen, what if I’m just not a likeable person? It’s strange, I have lots of friends from online, much more than I’ve ever had in real, who I’ve known for years now. But why can’t I keep people who I know in the flesh as friends for that long? Am I that rubbish? Can I only deal with friendships where I can ignore them when I don’t feel like talking? Am I too weird?
I know I’m rubbish at texting and being the friend whose good at keeping up with people, I always worry I’m being annoying or I’ve said the wrong thing. But I know what I am there I am a good, loyal, fun person to know (at least I hope so). I don’t know, my thoughts are all jumbled and confused.
I want to meet someone, I want a partner, I want to wake up next to someone that loves me. I can’t do that living in my Dads house living on 56 pounds a week and not having any friends.
I don’t want to feel scared of the future, lonely and sad, but that’s what I feel right now. No amount of “things will work out” “It’s just a rush time period” fix the moment that you’re going through, even though I know people say it from a good place. I know I push the friends I do have away when I feel like this too which doesn’t help, I don’t open up well to people, so it’s hard to explain. I needed a rant I guess.